Prenatale plastische chirurgie

Until the day comes when excited parents-to-be can affordably and accurately genetically alter junior to make a perfect race of sexy, intelligent, athletic humans, parents will have to settle for pre-natal plastic surgery. Maybe your offspring is ugly on the inside, but with a little help from modern medicine, you'll never have to know.

As a girl, Rhonda Hackensakis always felt self-conscious about her large nose. She spent her teenage years as a wallflower, remained an introverted 20-something and finally got a nose job at 33. Now pregnant with a girl, Hackensakis is joining many other Californians who are opting for controversial pre-natal surgeries.

"I don't want my own child to have to wait thirty years like I did. We've seen sonogram pictures that show she's likely to have a sizeable schnoz, too. Why should she suffer from it when the science and technology now exists to make kids still more perfect little human beings, ready to take on the world the moment they emerge, and not predisposed to all the insecurities that result from something like that. If it makes just one kid more confident, it'll all be worthwhile."

Doctors will break and reconstruct the fetus' nose while still in the womb, using new tools designed by a husband-wife team of surgeons, Guy and Nicole O'Gist. "After surgery," says Guy O'Gist, "we plop the baby back in the womb to cook for another dozen weeks or so, where embryonic fluids smooth those surgical lines that might be seen if done outside the womb."

Pre-natal rhinoplasty not for you? Don't worry, there is a whole line of available cosmetic procedures to choose from.

Other types of cosmetic surgery being done include liposuction (to remove unsightly baby fat), botox treatments (to remove wrinkles caused by cramped womb space), collagen treatments (to give babies fully, rounder lips) and chin, cheek and leg surgery (to prevent weak chins, flat cheeks and bow-leggedness)

Oh, and in case you had your sense of humor surgically removed (pre or post-natally), this is a hoax.